title: Perfection.
date: Saturday, March 02, 2013
Yesterday, was a perfect ending to 2 beautiful years of my life in SAJC.
I am raised in a family that judges people based on academic results. Because I was doing well in primary school, my parents always liked to show off to other family members saying how 'smart' I was, but it could also be because my relatives are doing the same. -__- My cousins were in raffles/hwachong/RV that kind of elite schools and hence it resulted in this. It never stopped although I ended up in NH in sec sch and was not as 'smart' as them. Since I grew up this way, although my friends and colleagues have been telling me that there are other important things besides academics, I have been stuck with that mindset and heavily weighted my grades. Its as if I could not excel in anything else but studying.
Hence ever since two years ago, there's this thought that has been occasionally surfacing in my head every now and then. "Why did I come to SAJC? Did I make the right choice in my application?" In sec 4, I was still judging academic performances of schools by their COPs and while it may be true to some extent, there are always exceptions. After I entered SAJC, I've been hearing how many people were saying NYJC is academically better and such etc. and even had a living proof in which one of my SJAB seniors from class of 2010 scored straight As for A-levels and a B for GP from NYJC. On the other hand, another of my NH seniors in SA, also from class of 2010, scored Bs and Cs. It was then I really questioned if I really chose the right thing and was even considering appeal. I was worried that I will not be able to do well academically in this school. But because of the troublesome process, I decided to study hard myself and score well with my own abilities.
However, as time passes, I was horribly slacking away throughout my entire J1 life. Despite advice from seniors that we cannot slack in JC and how tough it is etc., I could not restrain myself and was hogged onto the computer every night after going home, not paying attention in lectures, not doing tutorials and such. Just right before promos in JC1, my grades were dangerously risky and I thought that since EOY had a much higher weightage, I could just easily scrape through EOY and get promoted.
I started studying a little for my EOYs, thinking it would be enough for me to pass everything. To my horror and slight relief, I got exactly 35 rank points for my promos which is the COP for promotion. I BARELY GOT MYSELF PROMOTED. I always thought that it is easy to be promoted, but then I realized it is even easier to get myself retained. Any worse, and I could say hi to another year of life in SAJC, not that I did not consider it. Hence, I ended my first year in school being one of the bottom in my class.
Then comes the holidays. I thought I could use it to revise and catch up with my peers so that I would not be one of the last again, but of course that never happened.
PW
My first A-level grades that I got was this stupid project subject. Since majority of people got B for it, once again I underestimated the efforts put in and kept thinking I can easily get a B. Hence I just did my work for the sake of doing it and meeting deadlines. What made things worse was that as the last minute when everyone is rushing to submit their WR, I had to be down with chicken pox and was unable to be in school. Maybe if I had worked harder earlier, it might not have been that much of a hinderance for me to get a B. And then I ended up getting a C, one of two Cs in my class and could do nothing but cry. The subject that most people had secured an A or a B, I could not even secure mine and I thought that was really the end for my A-levels. I had lost confidence in my other subjects as well.
The start of my JC2 life didn't kick off very well either. My grades were just slipping even worse as when I was in JC1. I only had 20+ rank points for the first exam of the year and my parents got called. Now it might already became an ordinary thing for several people but not for me since my parents rarely get calls from school or meet-the-teachers sessions in my entire 12 years of schooling. This is only around the 3rd/4th time. It was the first time I saw my grades having 20+ rank points (and also the last time). Half of me was nonchalant about it since it was the first time and many of my classmates got it too, but the other half of myself was worrying since they did so much better than me for promos and I would just lag behind even further.
Another thing was that although my math passed with a D, I wasn't happy with it. I was good in math all along and of course, I aimed high grades for math. Anything C and below for math is considered a fail for me. I was getting those grades for the first half of my year in JC2 and it couldn't even help to pull my rank points up already. As half of the year passed and I'm still getting only 35-39 rank points (which means I just passed), I really started worrying.
BT2s were then after the June holidays and then Prelims were next. I was left with only 2 exams to train myself and I had to cherish these chances. Its like I finally woke up to reality and realized what I needed to do. I spent practically all my June holidays in the library catching up with the syllabus and practicing. I worried even the tutorials that I did not do. Should I do the tutorials first then do the revision packages, but then I wouldn't have enough time etc. In the end, I just did whatever I felt like doing first as long as I did not waste time doing nothing.
What upsetted me the most in BT2 was math again. Although I finally managed to escape from U grades for the other subjects now (except econs which is an exception that I will explain later), my math dropped from a D to an E and was the second last in my class. Adding on to that is a teacher that mocks students with low grades. I really got my motivation then and studied really hard for math for Prelims. It was the first time I finished a revision package for an exam in the entire 2 years. Well of course I did study the other subjects too.
Only before Prelims was then I started arranging consultations with teachers. And it was also then I decided I really needed to do something with my econs. I got my tuition teacher to teach me the entire syllabus of econs from scratch, two years worth of H1 syllabus to be completed in about 2 months. I wondered if all the money spent was worth the value and what if I ended up....
Prelims has come as a great surprise for me as I really had not expected it. My practices for math really paid off as I became 4th in class for math with a B grade. No doubt I was happy. I could also feel that I have finally caught up with the syllabus got everything and also surprised myself at the duration I managed to do it. I did well in phy and chem too, being one of the better scorers in class. (I don't like to say this but actually, I did not study much for physics in Prelim. Oops.) Saying I'm just surprised is an understatement. For the first time, I'm seeing my rank points shot up to higher than 50 to a whooping 62. I even got the Edusave Good Progress Award from this. Aside from happiness, I was so relieved and feel like I finally have hope for As.
Here I would like to admit that I have became complacent for math. I did not touch the math revision package given to us for As and only when it was nearing the date that I did around 2 or 3 papers. I admitted it to my math teacher and even she said that I should have tried to secure my A. As much as I like to, I was really focusing on chem and physics and even econs and it was only until the last 2 weeks when I panicked for math because it has been almost a month since Prelims. I finished the entire revision package for chem and even bought a second one. I was even practicing econs FYS.
Yes, econs. Something in which I have gotten an A in for my first exam in JC1 and then U all the way until Prelims, and always below the 10th percentile. I studied econs for my Prelims and I was still getting a low U, not even close to S. I thought my tuition had prepared me well because I felt like it did but on the actual A-level econs paper, I did so horribly I was thinking of retaking it in another sitting. I felt like I totally flunked it and I am going to do so badly the highest I could get is a D.
Although everyone else is seeking consultations, I was too lazy to go to school and spammed my teachers on whatsapp with photos of questions I wanted to ask. Consultation from home FTW. I gradually managed to do the papers without being stuck and although I was still doubtful of myself, I felt prepared and wondered if I actually really am.
Then the big time comes. After every paper, everyone else was talking about how it was and I don't know why, I was just, chilled. Well only after GP paper Its like I had confidence but I don't want to be so complacent as it had happened in the past. I did not want to expect too much from myself either only to fall down hard. (I'm too lazy to elaborate more here)
I have been thinking of all the possible results I could get for my As and then where to go from those results. Whenever I start thinking of this, the first set of grades that comes to my mind is 3H2 As. I know this sounds like I'm acting so smarty pants and so full of myself, but its the truth since I do not deny the possibility of getting it. And then I was expecting like C, D for my H1s. And then there's the worst case scenario where I get BBB or BBC for H2s and D,E or E,E for H1s? Then I will go and study real estate. I have never imagined and do not want to imagine grades worse than that though because I have no idea what I will do if I get those either.
In my current workplace, I have a colleague who has taught me many insightful things. I realized that even if I might not do well, it is not the end of the world because it might be that there is another path that is far better that is meant for us. Who knows, it might make us realize our unfound talents. The night before the big day, I made up my mind that I would not cry no matter what results I get, because there will be new roads for me to discover myself.
And I broke my promise to myself, because after looking at my results yesterday, I was crying at the very next second.
To all the people who have looked down on me, underestimated me, mocked me, laughed at me, I would very much love to shove my results in your face if I get the chance to.
I PROUDLY DECLARE THAT I HAVE SCORED AAA/BB FOR A-LEVELS. :)
title: 有用的人
date: Friday, October 05, 2012
谁不希望自己是聪明的人谁不希望什么都能一百分谁会希望自己又呆又傻又愚蠢谁会愿意听到你真的好笨
有些事情就是这样的残忍有些道路没有直通那扇门有些游戏结果不一定要获胜有些收获不在终点只在过程我们不会心灰意冷我们会给自己掌声我不是你想象的笨我也有我自己的门
其实你不是不能
只是你肯不肯给自己多一个机会因为我们都是有用的人
I've loved this song since I was young when I watched I Not Stupid. I find it catchy until now and I never got tired of listening to it. I really love the lyrics the most, one of my favourite lyrics ever. Meaningful and easy to understand for everyone but I think people would judge me for listening to this song haha. Its okay, just judge me!
"我不是你想象的笨, 我也有我自己的门"
I have to say I'm pretty satisfied with my prelim results. Although I didn't do as well as many others but this is my first time getting rank points above 40 ever since JC1 MSA1. Its already considered a great achievement for me but I will not be arrogant about my studies because I know there is still room for improvement. I know where I stand.
I'm quite happy that some people see me differently now (maybe not to that extent but I didn't know how to phrase it). I was kind of basking in joy when I see the disbelief on some people's faces when they knew as if I am not capable of producing such results. Take that, for looking down on me. And if people choose to believe that this is just pure luck (for some papers even I think it is too but things will change), I am going to prove a second time and this time, even higher.
I will win. Not immediately, but definitely.
Watch me.
title:
date: Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I didn't realize that Dad actually noticed so much about me.
I always thought that I have kept things well from my parents and that they are insensitive to my life outside of the family. Since young, I'm brought up in an environment that taught me that family is priority and my parents really practiced that. Maybe its because I do not have siblings close to me and I feel lonely that no one understood the feelings of a teenager, I always choose to tell everything to my friends and even counselors but not my parents. I thought my parents only cared about my studies and health and that's all, but not about my life and my feelings. But Dad really changed things today.
I have been feeling upset the past few days and for two nights, I've cooped up in my room to cry without them knowing and pretended nothing was wrong when I left my room for stuff like getting drinks and toilet breaks. Nothing was mentioned by them and I really thought I had hidden everything well, until this morning when I became upset again despite bring optimistic the night before.
When I was eating breakfast (although I didn't really want to since I have been losing my appetite but I had to put on an act in front of them), Dad suddenly came and sat beside me today and said that he noticed I have been unhappy these few days. Then he said that I shouldn't care about other people and what others say about me, and that he believes in me. Before that when I became upset, I was already about to cry but since my parents were leaving the house soon, I planned to at least control it until they left so I get the whole lonely house to myself. But the moment when he brought it up... tears immediately dropped. I turned away immediately but I'm not sure if he noticed my tears.
Then I realized how important my family was and that they were always by my side all the time without me knowing it. I hadn't been caring about them so much, in fact I was caring more for someone else who might not even care about me at all now. I realized that I shouldn't forsake the time I could have used to study on someone like that and instead, use it to study and repay my hopeful parents well. Other things could wait until I'm sure that my parents are happy.
That said, I'm willing to wait. Despite many people telling me how it is not worth it and all, I still keep the faith and belief that I have. I would be putting it aside for now, but that does not mean that I have given up. I will not give up and I will be optimistic about it. And it is going to stay that way, nothing is going to change. :)
title: maturity
date: Sunday, August 26, 2012
Lately I've been feeling so lousy towards all my friends.
I've always known that I'm a very bad friend but I have never wondered why and in what way I was wrong. I never did try to find out the root problem and change it.
But I've come to a realization today.
These few days I really felt that I have matured in some ways, though not entirely, but I've gotten a clearer picture of what I have been doing in the past. Consider this as a lesson learnt and I will try my best to ensure that such things will never happen again.
I have realized that everytime something happens in my life (in a negative way), ranging from the most insignificant things ever to things deemed as apocalypes, I will take out my frustrations on any of my friends available. Well friends as in friends that I am willing to share things to and not just any random friend that I have. There are quite a lot of people I can actually open up to and I wonder if this is a good or bad thing. Does this mean that I open up to people too easily or its good that I get close to people easily?
So whenever I need someone to rant to or cry to there will always be someone there for me. I guess my real friends are those who didn't mind me being like this and doesn't find me a burden on them, because I think I am becoming more and more of one. Despite all these years of ranting on them they are still by my side and I am extremely blessed to have friends like this.
However, I think I have become sort of a ninja when my friends need me. Not that I ignored them, but its that I am not good enough to help them in their situations except being physically by their side. I couldn't say comforting words unlike them because words that come out of my mouth never have positive impacts.
The main point is, I think I am being too burdensome on my friends and maybe bottling up my feelings isn't a bad thing after all. I should learn how to have more self-control in every aspect of myself, such as my feelings and actions. I need to use my brain more wisely and I really need to mature more. And stop throwing out everything on others because they do not deserve to be treated in such a way from me.
title: 原来你 什么都不想要
date: Saturday, August 25, 2012
我知道这样不好 也知道你的爱只能那么少
我只有不停的要 要到你想逃
泪湿的枕头晒干就好
眼泪在你的心里只是 无理取闹
以为在你身后 是我一辈子的骄傲
原来你 什么都不想要
我不要你的呵护 你的玫瑰
只要你好好久久爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好 贪心也好
那个女人对爱 不自私 不奢望
我不要你的承诺 不要你的永远
只要你真真切切爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好 贪心也好
最怕你把沉默 当做对我的回答
原来你 什么都不想要
In the past, I couldn't really understand it when people say songs have emotions. I have always thought they were just beautiful words placed in melody which is a form of art.
I have never expected myself to be able to relate to a song this much.
The lyrics are so perfect and fitting in a situation like this. It spells out exactly my feelings which I wasn't able to figure out for... about a week and it really bugged me. One day, my playlist just shuffled to this song and then I got hooked on to it when I heard the lyrics.
I shared about what is happening in my life now to two of my old friends, and surprisingly both had experienced a similar situation before. However, theirs didn't end up very well and I hope I will not end up the same way despite it happening to both of them.
As much as nothing is confirmed, one should always pray and wish for the best and this is what I am going to do. I will do by best in ensuring that it does not happen, but one cannot deny that it takes two hands to clap. I wouldn't be able to clap by myself to the air because that would be utterly retarded.
I just wish my belief in you is not a wrong choice. Prove me right.
On a side note, I love all my friends who are by my side. No words can express how grateful I am to have them and I'm glad I'm not alone.
title: Victims of education.
date: Saturday, August 18, 2012
The education system in Singapore is very, very screwed. Yes, this system is so perfect such that it helps - or forces - everyone to maximize their abilities. It is so perfect that even famous stars like Andy Lau is keen in sending his daughter here to study. But things that outsiders do not know... things that will only be understood by the students and parents in Singapore.
Education is supposed to be a passion for learning, a system for the young to be cultivated with the norms of society and to prepare them for "mature life". This reason for education is the same everywhere in the world, including Singapore, but I would prefer to believe that education in Singapore is something that everyone is forced to go though. The passion for learning in us has vanished if it did even exist in the first place. Maybe kids who are about less than 10 years old will experience curiosity about things but as we grow, the curiosity in us vanished as we do not learn the things we learn because we are curious about how it works, but because we have to learn them for the sake of our grades.
Grades are the root problem here. I wonder why did grades even exist. Is it to show how much we know about the subject, or is it to show our ranking against other people? Why do they want to rank everyone in the first place? Here comes the part about how it allows people to maximize their abilities. This forces people to put in their best of the best effort and force themselves to study to make it to the top. So if everyone did put in their best, what if their best still places them at the bottom? They claim that they do acknowledge people who put in their best effort - but only those who made it to the top.
Then comes the part about "forcing ourselves to study". I am typing this chuck of things here because I am a victim of this cause. I have practically forced myself to study for years and I am maximizing that force now. Studying - this action word has became a forced action to many people. We do not study because we want to - but because we have to. This totally defeats the purpose of education, isn't it? The passion for learning? Maybe this is why the passion is long gone.
Well it could also be because of the repetitive cycle of education. We get sick of studying because we have practically studied the same things over and over again for a long time - things like chemistry, physics... using the same formulas for 2 to 4 years or even longer. Not surprising that people get sick of them, eh?
All this wouldn't be so bad if students can give themselves a break. But no, even taking a break for a day can make me feel very, very guilty. Because everyone else is all studying, just one day can make someone lose out and it would be hard to catch up as others never stop. We are all making ourselves stressed. If everyone is willing to take a certain day off all at the same time, things would be great. We can have fun and enjoy without having to worry about lagging behind. These joys are gone from my life.
Although I know I will not be able to study, I am not able to put things down and rest even just for that day. I will make the greatest attempt to try and study - most of the times to no avail. I still do that, just to make myself feel less guilty about it because at least I tried my best - or maybe not. The smallest things I can do, such as reading newspapers or typing out a post like this are deemed to be better than sitting there and idling away. At least I can see this is a small attempt to help me improve my language, rather than none.
So this very poorly typed out post managed to make me feel less guilty for the less productive day - what a difference does it make.
title: the helpless tears
date: Friday, July 13, 2012
I don't want to seem weak by crying every time I face a setback.
But somehow my senses doesn't allow me to control my tears.
I wonder if it is good or bad. Since most of the time after crying I'll be fine again, I just need to cry it out. Its like I couldn't compose myself at that moment of truth and that's the only thing I could do until I can think straight again. There hasn't been a time where I didn't recover after crying I think. And I always manage to have a stronger mindset afterwards anyway.
But then there are also cases where I never learn my lessons. I wish that wouldn't happen. I hoped I can have more self-control. Honestly speaking, I think my self-control had already improved quite a lot over the last year. I managed to restrain myself from a lot of things. I think I can also prioritize things better now. A big problem is that whether I can carry out my actions or not, and not just purely thinking and no action.
On the other hand, I also realized I have really great friends around me who understand my feelings well and I'm very thankful and grateful for that. :) There was a period of time where I feel that I'm being a very bad and mean friend to all my friends around me and I wondered if I ever deserved all the love from them. I tried to be a better friend after that, thanks to the self-control I learnt to grasp and I think I am treating people well now, at least better than the past.
Another thing is I should learn not to get jealous of others so easily. I think my jealousy and envy is quite easily seen though, I think people around me would be able to see it. I wish it would really suppress itself so that it won't affect my friendship with the dear people around me. I should do some self-improvement instead, being envious doesn't really improve the situation anyway.
If I had a great and powerful voice and singing abilities, I think I could make a good singer. My emotions are so easily triggered and its so much easier to sing a song with emotions and feelings. Just kidding. :)
